Bringing Up New Sexual Desires To A Partner Without Panicking
So there’s this THING. A sexual thing. You’ve been thinking about it. A lot. Maybe it’s something you did before or maybe it’s something you’ve never tried but you can’t stop wondering about it. And then you wonder, how can you talk to your partner about it?
Talking about your sexual desires, especially new desires, with a partner can be intimidating, even if you otherwise have good communication. But the good news is that it’s never too late to start. In fact, setting the groundwork for talking about new desires isn’t just great for talking about your current and future desires; it’s also great for setting you up for better communication about your sex life overall.
Develop a habit of talking about the sex you are having.
Before you talk to your partner about the sex you’ve been thinking of having, start talking about the sex you are already having. Start telling your partner what you loved about the sex you two are having together and what you look forward to for the next time you have sex.
This is a great habit for your sex lives in general and it absolutely sets the stage for both of you talking about what works, what you like, and what you’d like to try. It’s also a really easy, low stakes way to ease into talking about desires with your partner. You’re just talking about what you’re already doing, so what is there to be nervous about?
Encourage your partner to open up about their own desires.
Before you start telling your partner about what you want, it might be easier to ask them what they want. If this isn’t something you two have been talking about before, try being specific and try framing it in a way of you asking for feedback. Your partner might freeze up trying to answer the broad question about what their sexual fantasies are, but they might be willing to answer more directed questions. Something like, “I love going down on you and I want to be the best I can. What could I try on you? Is there anything you’ve thought about?”
Bring it up as something you’re thinking about. Not something lacking.
When you and your partner talk about your desires, make sure that the conversation is framed in terms of what turns you on and what you think about. It’s NOT a talk about what is lacking from the relationship or needs you have that aren't being met. Take extra care when you are framing this and imagine how you’d feel hearing it from your partner. No one wants to hear how they’re falling short and you probably don’t intend to bring it up that way. So be extra careful not to hurt any feelings by accident.
Make sure it’s clear that it’s not a demand or an expectation.
This is so key. If you bring up a desire to your partner as something you absolutely must have in order to be sexually satisfied, it’s very likely going to land like a brick.
When you have this conversation with your partner, remember that there may be a lot of room between the fantasy and the desire it is seeking to fulfill. Maybe the idea of an orgy turns you on, but you and your partner aren’t ready to go there quite yet. But a blindfold, audio-only porn (it’s a thing), and a few extra sex toys might give you the overwhelming, all-holes-filled, “taken” sensation you crave.
Make a game of it.
Ever heard of Yes/No/Maybe? It’s a wonderfully simple game that you and your partner can play together. Best of all, it’s free online here.
The object is simple: read through the list and mark it as yes it’s a turn on, no it’s not a turn on, or maybe it could be a turn on. Remember that just because you say kink is a turn on doesn’t mean you’re obligated to show up tomorrow night in a gimp mask. It just means these are things that you might be open to discussing further with your partner.