Does Your Language Give Away Your Age? How To Stop Sounding Old And Weird

My daughter, Georgia, gets irritated when I stumble over the pronouns they/them/theirs. One day she said, "If you don't get this, mama, you're going to be old and weird." Who here is willing to be old and weird? Not I! It was just the kick in the butt I needed to put in some time progressing my communication to match the present moment. Language is changing with rapid speed. The way I speak is different from the way my children communicate. There is a constant evolution in play, like technology, but folks choose not to adopt, and they are left behind. I refuse to let myself be one of them.

For example, there is something I call Black boy language that many of us are missing. People confuse it with restlessness, aggression, and swagger. But it's a language. And by overlooking it, we ignore generations of talent. You're missing out on my boys, You probably think I'm talking about rap music, but it's bigger than that. Educators need to be aware of this because they use this peer-to-peer language to express themselves. If we hear it, we might make assumptions without understanding that something deeper is going on. The old school way of thinking as teachers, and the dominant culture would teach, and everyone would learn a mandatory set of curricula. But that's no longer the case. Younger people are saying, "absolutely not." And viewing language through an old-school lens contributes to our communication gap. If you’re a real educator, who wants to reach your students, you need a mutually agreed-upon collaboration. Young people only want to collaborate or innovate, not be indoctrinated.

Their viewpoint helped shift the conversation around gender. One of the things I think is important is using pronouns.

Why do we announce our pronouns in the front of a sentence?

Why is it important to get them right?

Do they complicate life or enhance it?

The reality is, it's not one thing or the other. Two truths can exist simultaneously. Stumbling over language is something I've done a lot for the past ten years. Gender and identity have advanced beyond two choices. Platforms like Facebook, for example, offer more than 50 identities from which to choose. If they can be that intentional, it's a shame that we aren't more tuned in to those nuances. As we age, the part of our brains that helps us learn new things starts to shrink. But if we commit to learning, it can remain malleable. Most people aren't learning new things. They're just perfecting the old.

Since my kid said, "I'm not a girl, I'm a boy." It required a lot of practice in the mirror. I understand, for example, that my Penel is a boy. There is no doubt about that. I am not confused. My heart has always been there, and I say the right things. But there are other places in language around gender that I still have to work. And it’s so annoying to me that I stumble. It means that I haven’t yet devoted the 10,000 hours Malcolm Gladwell wrote about in his book, Outliers. I have done it before. I now need to do it again.

But when we hear something like 10,000 hours, most people think, “I don’t even have one hour.” It’s because we live overstimulated lives, with dumps of media from morning to night. As a result, alarming statistics are dropped into our inboxes—whether it's The New York Times or the NY Post. As a result, we cannot carve out the mental space to learn something new. It also requires a few more things: examining how you learn and pushing out information in your brain that is no longer relevant, primarily if it doesn't serve you anymore.

But none of this happens in a silo. There are systemic structures in place impacting your viewpoint. A system doesn't allow you to learn new languages and communicate with different audiences. When looking at the system, you're also looking at yourself and your habits—including social media's impact and how you consume it. Is how you are spending your time contributing to your gap? What you discover might inspire you to find time to learn and practice. I don't think 10,000 hours. I'm talking about moments, 30 minutes here, an hour there. They'll add up.

So if you won’t prevent yourself from sounding old and weird, where do you begin? I have a few suggestions:

Visualize the gap. Believe it or not, Google is an excellent place to start. You can search a simple turn like "How many ways can one identify?" If you're Type A or pride yourself on being good at things, then it becomes an enticing challenge. You might become intoxicated by the gap because you know it is closeable.

Immerse yourself in their world. If you have younger people in your life, make a habit of hanging out with them. But participate in something they like to do, let them choose, then watch and listen without judgment. If you don’t have any connections with younger folks, especially Gen Zs, watch shows that reflect their lives. I would suggest Euphoria; it may be extreme. However, it does provide a window into the world from people their age. If that’s too much, find another program. Read some of the authors creating great work in the space like Jayson Reynolds, whose award-winning, poetic-like prose tells stories of what young people are facing today, including “A Long Way Down." Or I am Jazz. The reality series focused on a transgender teenager, Jazz Jennings, and her family for seven seasons. Read my book, Born Ready, or this article about my family’s experience on Cosmo.com.

But cultivating cross-generational relationships brings value to your life in untold ways. I like that I have older folks and younger folks as my best friends. It works my language muscle and my brain. It pulls you in all directions and forces you to have a pervasive language and a perspective that yours is one of many, as is your identity.

Practice, practice, practice. The only way to hone your language and communication skills is to practice. I would say practice at home. However, if you have teenagers, they will either laugh at you or get angry. So use your job as a testing ground, but please don't act like you're teaching a workshop. Try out new phrases in casual conversations with coworkers instead of instructing them about your newfound knowledge. Chances are you will do this with peers around your age, who might not have evolved their language either.

Create an incubator space. It's is probably not the best idea to go into the trans community as if you know anything. Create an incubator space where you can use the language, see how it rolls off your tongue, see how it fits in your conversation. That might be as simple as doing it with your girlfriends. You know the other women who've reached auntie status that come over for dinner. It would be best if you had a place to talk things out so you could see the gaps. You need to apply it somewhere consistently, and that's when the 10,000 hours begin.

Understand That They Are No Exceptions. If you claim the Type A title or consider yourself a Lifetime learner, or Explorer (like I do), you can't use caveats. For example, saying things such as "Don't include me in this LGBTQIA stuff," or "Don't include me in young people's shenanigans. I'm too old for that." Or "don't include in Black Lives Matter cuz all lives matter." Learners are always finding new things that they don't know or are hard to figure out.

Remember, language is flexible because it has to fit the moment. If the words are outdated or aren't landing well on the audience, they're of no use. It is a necessary evolution if you want to stay relevant, communicate, and connect with other humans. Otherwise, you are not only struggling in communication, but you'll also be less productive in life. As the world moves forward, you'll be left behind.