It doesn't have to be a bidding war.
So you’re on a date. And it’s going well. Really, really well. You want to take it to the next level, but what exactly does that mean? Maybe choking is a “hell no” for you, but spanking is awesome. Maybe you’re comfortable with not using barrier protection for oral sex, but you want it for penetrative sex. All of these are your boundaries.
And while there is nothing wrong with being spontaneous and figuring out your boundaries as you go, there’s also something really, really sexy about negotiating them ahead of time.
Those of us in the kink community do this all the time— that’s why it’s super hot when my partner slaps me across the face. We’ve negotiated that it’s something we both really, really like. He didn’t just smack me one day and hope that I was into it. (Thank god. We would have broken up instantly otherwise.)
Since my partner and I play with others on occasion and those encounters very often have a kinky component to them, we have gotten very comfortable with negotiating boundaries with new partners. And not only is it not at all scary or intimidating, it’s actually really hot and it’s part of the process I really look forward to!
What is a boundary?
First of all, there’s no such thing as a normal boundary. Yours are going to be unique to you. This can include kink play, positions, types of sex (like oral but not vaginal, or vaginal but not anal), and barriers used. They can also be specific details— maybe you love being called “slut” during sex, but hate being called “baby.” That’s all totally fine!
Approach boundaries as gifts, not obstacles.
Don’t look at boundaries like you’re delivering bad news to your partner about what they can’t do. A good potential partner will WANT to play within your boundaries and will be an active and engaged listener as you negotiate.
It’s fine to ask followup questions, but this isn’t a bidding war. Neither of you should be trying to get the other to back down from a boundary, just asking for clarity and details.
Frame it as talking about what you want to do to each other.
Don’t get frustrated feeling like negotiating limits is all about saying no to each other. While establishing your boundaries and hard limits is important, it’s equally important to establish what makes a yes a hell yes!
Is there a specific sex act you really love? Mention it! It’s really hot to know what a new partner is really looking forward to.
It’s a great way to find out the best way to be a great lover to your partner.
If you’re doing negotiations right, you’re basically asking them for the cheat codes to win the game at being amazing in bed for them. Why wouldn’t you both want this??
Don’t be afraid to be specific. Maybe you love nipple play, but only when it’s gentle. Maybe you need clitoral stimulation with penetration to orgasm. Maybe you hate being pinned down, but like your hair pulled. Talking about this stuff sets you both up for success and it’s a super hot way to show each other that you care about each other’s pleasure.