Having a threesome is one of the most common fantasies,
Having a threesome is one of the most common fantasies, if not THE most common. But it’s also notoriously difficult to manage and to do well. It’s also something I happen to have a lot of personal experience with.
For the better part of a decade, I was what’s known as a “unicorn.” In threesome parlance, this is a bisexual woman who enjoys threesomes and is happy to join a couple for some fun times. (Keep in mind, this isn’t a polyamory unicorn, which is a totally different animal.)
Here’s my advice for setting yourself up for a great threesome, from a unicorn who’s seen a lot of them. For this piece, I’m framing my experience in FFM, or female-female-male threesomes, since those were the bulk of mine.
Set up a no-pressure meeting ahead of time.
As a unicorn, I definitely did threesomes where I showed up, everyone got undressed, and we got right down to it. But for the most part, the best threesomes were had after I met the couple in a no-pressure environment first. We would grab a quick drink or coffee and just gauge our chemistry together. It also gave the couple plenty of time to ask questions and see if we all had a mutual attraction, which helped reassure everyone that nobody is catfishing and everyone is invested enough to show up.
Be real about what you’re hoping to experience.
Sometimes, couples get so excited about having found their unicorn that they get overly eager and forget to communicate what they’re actually after in the first place. There’s no right or wrong answer, but your unicorn will want to know the dynamics of what she’s walking into. For example, as a bi woman, I always liked to know if the woman was bi, bi-curious, or just tolerating some same-sex play in a threesome environment. It told me how to set my expectations and where to focus my attention.
It’s okay to be new or nervous. Just be honest.
Your unicorn will very likely be understanding of first-time jitters, but it’s up to you to come clean. When I was with new couples, I would make sure to check in, make eye contact, and make sure everyone was having a good time. It’s totally normal for a threesome to bring up jealousy or insecurities. If you need to take a break to have a private moment with your partner, it’s far better to call a quick time-out right away than to push through it.
Remember that your unicorn has feelings too.
Your unicorn knows you two have a relationship outside the threesome, but remember that she also has her life and feelings. I played with quite a few couples that told me what I wanted to hear to agree to join them and then quickly discarded me as soon as the play was over. It feels really awful to get dressed in a hotel hallway because a couple wants to be alone immediately. We unicorns don’t expect you to start dating us, but you can extend basic courtesy. Offer her some water, offer to walk her to her car, send a her basic thank you text later. Being kind to your unicorn means that we may be open to having another threesome with you.
But also, don’t forget your partner.
Even more awkward than couples forgetting that their unicorn is actually sentient are the couples that forget their own partner exists because there is someone shiny and new there. A seasoned unicorn will try to navigate the play back around to include your partner, but it’s better for everyone to be mindful and try to make sure the play is balanced equally.
There will be times when someone is not the focus.
Of course, the flip side is that in threesomes, sometimes the sex will become a two-some with an auxiliary feature. This is okay and it’s totally normal. If you find yourself being the third wheel momentarily, don’t worry. It’s okay to sit back, hydrate, and watch for a minute.
Go over preferences, limits, safe sex protocols, and safe words before play.
Even if you talked it all out over chat in an app a month ago, it’s better to go over it all again right before you play, if at all possible. That is the time to go over the things you don’t enjoy as well as the things you do enjoy. This is the time for everyone to speak up and state their preferences.
Have patience.
Getting your first threesome together can take a lot of legwork. And that’s okay! You want to find someone who is a good fit for both of you and who wants what you want. While it’s great to be open-minded, you also don’t need to have a threesome with the first willing unicorn. Be okay with the idea that it might not happen overnight and keep talking to people. It will happen eventually!