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As kink enters the mainstream, it’s left a lot of people wondering what a kinky relationship actually looks like. Sure, more couples will have a wild night with some fuzzy cuffs or spanking, but… what’s it actually like to have a committed kinky relationship?
The answer is all over the map. But the general rule of thumb is the more extreme the kink scenario, the less likely it is to be a 24/7 dynamic. The human furniture or latex fetishist will draw a lot of attention in a kink scene, but it’s extremely rare that those people are living it full-time.
What’s much more common is a scenario like mine: two people found compatibility as both kink partners and romantic partners and figured out dynamics to make both work.
Here’s what worked for my kinky relationship:
We talked at length about what does and doesn’t work for us.
Before we even started playing together, we covered what we wanted from a BDSM dynamic. We both knew we wanted a Dom/sub dynamic and we both liked impact play. We started out as a kink dynamic only… and then, classic story, we fell in love from there.
We each choose our boundaries and can express when they change.
When we first got together, I laid out my boundaries, he laid out his. But it’s always been an open dialogue that each of us are able to bring up. Sometimes, that means that things we thought were on the table aren’t serving us well. Most of the time, it’s one of us getting more comfortable and being curious to try something out, even if we’d discounted it in the past.
We have scheduled kinky time.
Spontaneous sex is fun, but most kink play takes a degree of planning. It’s not just the logistics of cleaning the equipment, charging it, choosing it, setting up restraints, etc, although that certainly takes time and effort. It’s also a matter of building up the anticipation and getting into that mindset. For my Dom, it’s choosing his tools for the scene, mentally planning it out. For me as a sub, it’s choosing lingerie and an outfit and getting myself into the right frame of mind for subspace. My Dom and I have our big kink sessions at the end of the weekend when we have had time to unwind from the work week and do our errands. We like to set aside one day where all we have to do is kink play, share a meal together, and enjoy some aftercare cuddling.
We’ve both built trust.
New kink dynamics require a lot of negotiation. You need to talk everything out to make sure the two of you are on the same page. One of the beautiful things about a kinky relationship is that you learn your partner well enough to read their body language. One of the biggest milestones in my relationship with my Dom was telling him that it was okay to try new things in our play together without having cleared them with me first. It was a big step not just for me trusting him as my Dom, but also for him trusting that if I was uncomfortable, I wouldn’t hesitate to use my safe word.
We use our dynamics in flirtation.
Even though I’m my Dom’s committed sub, we absolutely don’t live in our dynamics all the time or even most of the time. (Some people do and it works great for them!) Even though most of the time we aren’t in a power exchange, we do play with our kink dynamics in flirtation. We use our honorifics with each other when it’s appropriate— a serious conversation, no; me telling him that I just bought a new outfit for us to play in, yes. We incorporate my praise kink as a sexy part of my goal to drink more water and stretch daily.
Even though 99% of the time, we look and function like a regular couple, our kink dynamic is always in the background, bonding and connecting us.